Monday, May 11, 2009

11 May

I have come to realize that the same traits I fear in men, I fear in God. This is why it is so difficult to free myself to him: He is God, but he portrays Himself vaguely as a masculine force; and males are diseased with the terrible flaw of abandoning what they have tamed. If I let God tame me, will I likewise be abandoned? How curiously the subconscious works! I never knew myself until that moment!

But nevertheless, how awfully we long to be tamed. But this is the incompatible longing: we will not allow our longing to be lorded to destroy us. But God is God-- ? Can he prove himself incapable of abandonment? Until this occurs-- I shall never be able to trust. But that's faith, isn't it? Looking round a universe from which all trace of God seems to have vanished, and feeling quite small and quite alone, and obeying anyway. Until trust comes, faith must suffice: Obey.

Right now, God is showing me: I am not man. I am not going to abandon you the way your father and all those other men have abandoned you. I am God. Nature helps this-- the great green euphony of nature he has given us; has any man ever given me anything worth keeping?
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1 comment:

Ryan Winchester said...

You know sister, those who you call men, they weren't men. They were the uninitiated. A man is only a man when he is initiated. Knights initiated their squires, fathers who tought their sons their trade initiated them. They were told they have what it takes. But after the wars, that gift has been lost. Our fathers are uninitiated. And only the initiated can initiate, and now, only God can. Man as a gender is lost if we do not turn to God. Only then can we become men. We lost the ability ourselves.

Read "Way of the Wild Heart" and "Wild at Heart" sister. You have known very few real men. I am still uninitiated. All in God's timeing, no matter how impatient I may be! :)

May 11, 2009 at 5:54 PM

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