11 August

I am not in control. I am not in control of anything. I have patted myself on being apathetic as to "controlling others", like some people, I am recently discovering, like to do. I do not want to control others because I am having enough problems controlling myself. But now, I am realizing, I have got to learn that I am not even in control of myself.

Because really, I have no idea what I am doing. Ever. Things just kind of happen to me, some vague force (God, if you will; fate, if you won't) pins circumstances onto my skin and I live in them. But I am not in control of myself. I realized this the other day, the day that I revoked all those decisions that I made just because they were decisions, and I was indecisive. (This also terrifies me, because when else am I making crappy decisions? But I am not in control of myself, and this is why.) I am going to major in something I like, I am not going to be a doctor, I am probably going to teach; I am going to throw myself into relationships even though I screw up sometimes and hurt myself. I am going to stop trying to control everything. Because even though I do not try to control others, I AM a control freak, because I cannot stand not being in control of myself.

But, for real, look at the past, what, three weeks? So many good things have come out of my lack of control! :)