28 1/2 November

I keep learning things. I am never who I think I am, or have become.

Against my will, in incongruous bits of paternal DNA, I Am:
Goal-Oriented; Calculating

I Like:
Security (but not suffocation); Independence; Plans

I woke up Friday night in this incalculable panic about the future. (Too much of my family+ forced food+ college arguments+ unfamiliar beds= stress= Duck Family Holiday Hell.) So, on my phone's notepad, I wrote out a vague and rather unromantically numerical plan. As Fitzgerald said, "It was the first awkward move that she had ever made." (Awkward, no, but "unfighting against a strange attraction to order", yes. And, "non-diametrically-opposed to Father's way of organizing by logic and reason and unfluff,", yes.)

So here's the plan:
1. Go to college. (Cov.? Belm.?);
2. Law School?;
3. Marry mein Trommler or someone rather like him;
4. Pay school debt (inevitable unless I go to Lee, and that I refuse);
5. Kids.

How sterile that all seems; how cold! And yet.... it is calming. Yes.