27 march

It almost disturbs me how much calculated satisfaction i have from today being 03-27-09: three nine times is twenty-seven! and it rains today, thick and clear; cleaning the grime from the concrete. it was bound to be a better day.

Oh, i have gotten so much better. The edges unrawing, filing down; God has filled up the inside gaps thick and blue. the only thing is that: i miss the friendship. i wish it hadn't have died so stunted and part-way grown; it could have been good if we had let it be anything else than embryonic. but we were always on different levels of consciousness, and you saw that as impediment rather than enrichment. it didn't hit me until AC told shaz to invite Us to their party, not knowing that we were now only we, no longer Us-- and i thought, yes, that would have been grand, wouldn't it? i would be right now carbonatedly happy; i see now, so much more attached than you would have been. But that Is Not and Will Not Be, it is a Might Have Been which has been demolished; and instead i am only peacefully content-- and there is really something to be said for tediously stable contentment.

And gracious, how much more of the world there is than you! how many more people to love! You deadened, what affection you had went stale and slid into pieces; and what should have gone gangrene in me instead shot off in all directions like Fourth-of-July fireworks. One does not do oneself any good by lazy silence, the world intrinsically will wander away. that's what you taught me: that silence is selfish. that humans are selfish, yes; and not to be trusted; but that to sequester oneself is only an act of lazyness. So now i blossom back into what i was: not the comfortably apathetic girl that you grew bored of, but the other, of whom you occasionally caught glimpses; the One that i actually enjoy being. Oh, irony! But now of course you could not, cannot have me anymore.