The Diet Chronicles

The Three Fruit Commandments:
1. Fruit must be eaten on an empty stomach. This means:
a. Wait 2 hours after your last meal before ingesting fruit.
2. Wait 20 minutes after Fruit to eat a Carb meal.
3. Wait 1 hour after Fruit to eat a Fat/Protein meal.

The Golden Rule of Food Pairing:
Do not mix carbs with fats/proteins in a meal. Ever. Acceptable meals: carb+vegetable; fat+protein+vegetable.

The Minor Prophets:
1. No nuts.
2. No carb/fat&protein combo foods.
3. All Dairy must be fat-free, and can only be eaten with carbs.
4. NO sugar.

I think that whoever invented this (actually highly effective) diet crap had an ulterior motive in mind: of course you're going to lose weight when following these rules, because WHO on earth has the dietic supplies in their house to follow them?? I started this with buoyant spirits (as is usual with my dietic endeavors [note the failed veganism, then the failed vegetarianism, and the waning kosherism]), but after a week the strain of actually controlling my appetite begins to battle with the fact that I have already lost five pounds (and this while cheating and occasionally eating the chocolate that I brought my parents back from Germany-- no one else is eating it!--; but my mother is following it faithfully and has lost at least seven or eight.)

Yesterday's Dietic Adventures:

6:30 AM: Drank 1/2 cup fat-free milk (70 calories) and ate a handful of blueberries (100? 150?)
6:50 AM: After faithfully waiting my 20 Minutes, ate my Fat Free yogurt (100 cal.)
8:00 AM: Arrived at work. Resumed system-wide reorg of HR charts.
9:25 AM: Smugly declined Wendy's second Reese's cup. Thought I broke copier. Fixed Copier.
10:00 AM: Took stairs (rather than elevator) to Wheelchair Clinic; began delivering wheelchairs to new arrival patients. Unearthly gnawing developed in lower abdomen: is my stomach trying to inform me...? Ignored hollow claw-ache in belly.
10:25: Offered Peanut M&M's by Keith, gifted by the PR upstairs. Uneasily declined.... no?
10:35: Offered Peanut M&M's by Keith. "I can't eat all these by myself!"
10:45: Offered Peanut M&M's by Keith. Succumbed. (255 calories.)
11:00 AM: Returned to HR; continued paperwork. Felt thoroughly ashamed of my fat-feast.
1:00 PM: Arrived home. Searched pantry for single carb or protein: ate one cheese cube (5 cal.)
1:30 PM: Ironing: began to be a very dizzy individual: drank 32 fl. oz bottled water. Felt better.
5:45 PM: Searched refrigerator for single carb or protein: Alas! Leftover Chicken Caesar Salad! Ravenously devoured. Felt thoroughly proud of my rule-abiding, middling-calorie dinner. (300- 350 cal.?)

So you see, the diet wars have begun. I have joined the 10/10ths of the women in the world who are unhappy with themselves in some earthly way. Oh, but I am, as everyone expects themself to be, the exception; and so of course I shall emerge from myself victorious, over and of myself.