1 July

I have realized that I have lived my life like one big "Excuse Me!". Excuse Me-- Pardon my existance! I was never meant to be alive and so will continue that trend by apologizing for every square of air that I breathe. Life is an unpardonable sin, a grief that no "excuse me!" can remedy. So if this be sin, let sin be served! I refuse to be an apology. I am tired of being an appendage. Life needs no justification, it simply is. And I am. There is no possible fault in existance, even in the absence of love. If one must live as an exclamation-- for I think it rather more exciting to exist as an exclamation than as a mere statement-- what is my exclamation? I refuse to be Excuse-Me! any longer. I know many people who are Damn!'s, or Oh!-- is Oh! really so bad? Perhaps it is preferable to most; it attempts to betray a sort of constant surprise (which could be equally pleasant or terrifying) and a vaguely Victorian sort of effimininity-- Alas! seems rather despondant, does it not?, and both Yes! and No! are equally unsatisfactory. Perhaps-- perhaps I shall attempt to be a Hallelujah!.



It is an extremely liberating thing to realize that one does not have to be cute or sexy or even remotely attractive. One can be exactly whatever one likes (of course this is a stale concept, and as equally bonding as slavery). I've only just realized the opposite of "you can be anything!"-- and that is, you can also be nothing. Of course in the long run I do not want to be nothing, I want to be parts of both Everything and Nothing. One does not have to be cute or sexy or even remotely attractive. Equal parts Nothing and Everything, solids supported by spaces-- is this not humanity? Is this not Life?